you- lubna Feki

         The room was enlightened only with some light from the road’s lamp. My wet towel was thrown on the floor, drops of water were drawing prints of my steps. My room was completely a mess. My skinny body was lying powerlessly on the bed… the sound of thunder broke the scary silence of that night.

     The thunder continued: every time louder than the last one. I couldn’t stand it anymore. For how long would I run? For how long am I going to be locked in my room?...

      Tok, tok, tok… someone was knocking on the door. I knew this hit very well. It had been a long time since I heard it last time. Tok, tok, tok… he didn’t stop. I stumbled to the door, put my hand on its handle. I still didn’t know if I am going to open or not… I put my other hand on my heart as if I wanted to stop it from beating loudly, took a long breath, then went back to my bed scattering the towel with my foot…

      It was you … what did you want? Why did you come back? Where were you? many questions were increasing the pressure of that night. What if I opened? What would you say? What would change?...

  I was discussing with myself and kept looking wide eyed at the roof, forgetting about the storm outside until I fell asleep.

          I closed my eyes: there you were in front of me. I was afraid I didn’t want to open them, I was scared of the fact that you would disappear… should I? nah I wasn’t supposed to, I had to keep you there hiding you under my lashes… you were smiling: every time I see your smile I fall for you over again. I wanted to fluff your hair: you know I love doing so. I wanted to be lost in your beard… I could see my dreams so clear in your eyes as if they were yours. I loved your voice which was so tender, so soft, so peaceful. I had found my peace, it was just where you were, in your presence, in those shinny eyes, in this breathtaking smile… my angel, my precious gift, my favorite song, my tastiest coffee, my brightest light, …. You were my everything.  You were my magician who made my boring world colorful, full of butterflies, where every day is a rainy day so we could act childishly under those drops, enjoying rain as we used to…

There I was opening them, hoping you would still be there, praying…” please be there, please be there, please be there…” I kept on repeating…

 But deep inside I knew you couldn’t be there…

                     

                           

  Lost in the crowd I kept on walking… I was staring at everyone, they were wondering what was wrong with me, why did I keep looking weirdly at them…but I didn’t care and I kept on looking wide eyed at them, checking all their details… I was looking for you: for eyes like yours so mysterious, so clear, as a starry summer sky, for bearded cheeks as yours so dark like this winter night, for lips as yours pink as spring roses, for a neck as yours, for hands as yours… for everything in you…

  I stopped for a while: where am I? I couldn’t recognize this area… what time is it? I looked for my phone but couldn’t find it… for how long have I been walking? I knew nothing…

  I threw my powerless body on a bench: I was exhausted. It started getting darker, with every minute that passed I felt much more breathless… I was trembling, didn’t feel fine, this fog was taking the power that was left in me…and I ended up seeing nothing…

     That time I started wondering what I am doing. For how long would I be this way? Until when would I keep on looking for you? Why couldn’t I get the fact that you died…? Yeah you died, you died and left me to no one… you left me in the middle of this empty road where with every step I walk it gets darker, foggier, more frightening, weirdly silent…” why did you leave me? why?” I whispered in the silence of that night, at the middle of that nowhere…

It wasn’t your fault I know but it wasn’t mine either so why do I have to struggle? why do I have to see your face in every face I meet? Why do I have to hear your voice calling me everywhere? Why do I have to feel your touch with every touch? Why do I have to dream about you every night? why? why me? Why you? Why us? Why now? ….

 Sharply I felt a hand on my shoulder, I turned around, you were standing behind me…I looked at your face, couldn’t control my tears: I missed you, I really did…you put your hands on my cheeks: they were warm, so warm that they could warm my whole cold body. You smiled: god how I love your smile! How tender it is!... you held my hand, stood me up and walked with me to a small coffee shop at the end of that street. You thought coffee is the only thing that could calm me down but you didn’t know that you are the only one who can do so: I just love coffee because you were drinking it the first time I saw you, remember? Your black coffee, your headphones, your glasses… couldn’t get that sight out of my mind no matter how hard I tried…  I tried to touch you, god how I wish I didn’t because you just disappeared as fast as you came. Can you see this? I knew you were watching me so can you see the mess I am living in? can you see how crazy I have become? How weak I became? How confused I was? I couldn’t even distinguish reality from daydreams… there you were coming again, you whispered in my ear:” you are stronger than you think you are, just find your light darling, find yourself again, forget about everyone else, you don’t have to follow anyone. You are looking for me but not correctly. You used to say I am you so if you have yourself you have me, I will always be here. Find your light and follow it honey that time you will absolutely be fine.” …and there you disappeared again while drawing a kiss on my withered cheeks but I still hear your voice, I could clearly hear your words.” I will find you” I said.  You could never imagine how much power you gave me. This fog started disappearing slowly. There was some light coming from nowhere. It was dawn and I was still sitting on that bench. I felt some life in my powerless body and it kept flooding all over it. I could breathe easier now… it could take some time to rebuild what was destroyed in me but at least it would be ....

                                                                                                                                       L.K.Feki

 

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